Your Indispensably Honest Guide To Attending A Bar/Bat Mitzvah

Jacob is only 10 but this is timely as one of the many Bar/Bat Mitzvah invites has dropped.  If you too are about to embark on “The Bar Mitzvah Circuit,” you’ll appreciate this honest and hysterical how-to from Too Lazy to Write a Book.  If you happen to be the token goy then you are most definitely Googling ‘Bar Mitzvah Etiquette’ at some point in your Mitzvah journey so, You’re Welcome & Mazel Tov, you need to read this more than we do.

Over the last few years, my wife and I have been to a total of 15,462 Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, which seems about average for our peer group.  According to Malcolm Gladwell’s “10,000 Hour Rule” on how long it takes to achieve world class expertise, I believe I passed the minimum requirements for a PhD in the Bar Mitzvah Arts about 23,000 hours ago.
An exaggeration?  Perhaps a bit.  But as the male head of household of a Jewish family in the Northeast United States, it’s fair to say that I’ve been to my share of Bar Mitzvahs.  Perhaps you have too.  But if not, I believe you could benefit from my store of knowledge, especially if you have a 13 year-old child.  Be forewarned: all 13 year-olds and their families in certain geographic regions enter a Twilight Zone-esque parallel and confusing universe known as “The Bar Mitzvah Circuit”.  This will require not only a complete commitment of your free time, energy and financial resources, but also a twisted understanding of human nature that you’ve never seen before, and likely never will again.  Before you or your children step one foot out of that Volvo and towards the synagogue doors, learn from me.  I’ve assembled the definitive rookie’s guide, which I’m calling YOUR FIRST HORA:  THE 90 (GIVE OR TAKE) THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT ATTENDING YOUR FIRST BAR MITZVAH.

Alya